Guidos, Guidettes and Whorebags, Oh My! It’s the Jersey Shore
Because I am apparently a sick, twisted glutton for punishment, I watched the two-hour premiere of MTV’s Jersey Shore tonight. God help me.
To say that it was like watching a train wreck would be like saying that the Titanic suffered just a small scratch.
Admittedly, I’ve been to the Jersey Shore only twice in my life, and Manasquan/Bayhead is NOT Seaside Heights. So, this was a whole new world for me (remember, I grew up in California). I sat literally slack-jawed through the first 10 minutes. I had never seen anything like this before. Men and women referring to themselves proudly as “guidos” and “guidettes”? What? Men who took more time getting ready to go out than even the highest of high maintenance women? I couldn’t believe my eyes. Hair gel, cologne, hairspray and tans everywhere.
Can you imagine what the casting notes were for this show? Seeking the kings and queens of guidos and guidettes for a reality show. Must have a nickname. And at least one of you must be named Vinny. And another one must refer to yourself in the third person. At all times. My mind is reeling.
After 10 minutes of this nightmare, I thought about giving up. But I am a trooper and believe in taking one for the team. So I stuck it out. And tweeted. And tweeted. And tweeted. I honestly think the tweeting made watching the show bearable. Knowing that I wasn’t alone watching this foreign world of guidos, guidettes and juiceheads gave me comfort. A sick, twisted form of comfort. Misery does love company.
Without further ado, here is the Jersey Shore Premiere: Tale of the Tweets
Who is watching #JerseyShore live at 10 p.m. ET? I’m watching for as long as I can stomach it.
And there’s a new series called “Teen Moms.” I’m horrified for so many reasons I don’t even know where to start.
Huge gold cross chain AND ginormous tattooed cross on back? Yeah, we get it Ronnie. #JerseyShore
“I don’t have time for stupid bimbos.” Oh how I wish I were as strong as Sammi. #jerseyshore
OMG. The ink on Pauly D’s back is outrageous. Is that Italy or an italian flag? Or both? #jerseyshore
“All the whores…shut up.” Classic dialogue. #jerseyshore
There’s a reason they got the impression you’re a crazy, sluty-ass girl, Snooki. #jerseyshore
“My ideal man would be Italian, dark, muscles, juicehead, guido.” What the hell is a juicehead? #jerseyshore
“You’re the Queen of Guidettes. Not just a Guidette.” Still LMAO. #jerseyshore
“Pink eye is very contagious. I don’t know much about it, but I heard you can catch it just from the air.” Pauly D on #jerseyshore
“I am a c*&k block. Um hm. Yeah. Not gonna lie.” #jerseyshore
In retrospect, I didn’t tweet enough about The Situation. He may require a separate blog post. When I’m ready to deal with The Situation properly. Until then, god help me. And god help us all.